A Year Without Mom

About once a month Mom and I would travel to Utah to visit my grandmother. During one of these trips, I snapped a picture of her driving.

I’m so glad I did.

I cherish the memories made during our 5 hour treks to Utah. We belly laughed, or cried, or sang along with our favorite tunes. Mostly we just talked. I love how we always filled up the entire 5 hours there and 5 hours back, our voices mingling.

We never sat in silence.

It’s been the hardest year of my life. I’m not sure why some people live long lives and others leave us before we think they should. All I know is that I miss her. I didn’t realize that it was possible to miss a person so much.

I’ve always appreciated my mother. Never once did I take for granted just how much she meant to me. I honestly thought that I would not survive in this world without her.

The day she died is a bit of a blur but parts of it still stand out so clearly. I remember lying in bed that night, I couldn’t sleep. The events of the day played over and over in my head…I tried to save her in my mind…if I just would’ve showed up an hour earlier. I could not comprehend how I was alive and she was not. I honestly did not know how to live without her. I wasn’t even sure if I could smile or laugh again. 

I just kept on living.  One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

And I did smile again.

And I did laugh again.

Many times I would picture her saying things like:

“See Christie, you’re stronger than you ever thought you could be.”

 “See Christie, you can do more than you ever imagined you could.”

I miss her. I miss her advice, her praise, her hugs, her laugh, her cooking, the smell of her hair. I miss the way she loved me and the way she loved my children and husband. I miss watching her write in her notebooks and tease my dad. I miss our inside jokes and the strength she could give me just by hearing her voice. I miss our phone calls. I miss movies and lunches with her and my sister. I miss craft days with the girls. I miss hearing her sing to her grandchildren.

I miss our trips to Utah.

I know I will see my mother again, sometimes this knowledge is the only thing that gets me through the day. I will hear her laughter again and feel her arms around me.

For now I will go on living my life and feel all the joy this world has to offer, I know it’s what she wants. I love her so much.